Moving Forward When a Relationship Doesn’t
“Why does it still hurt so much?” I blurted across the table to my sister-in-law.
“Laurie, the fact that it hurts shows that you don’t have a heart of stone. God gave you a heart of flesh. And flesh hurts,” she said.
Boy does it. Few things hurt more in this life than the end of a relationship. Looking back on the scenario above, I didn’t know if I could survive the heartache (I did) or whether my life would even have meaning (it does), but years later I still feel a tightening in my chest when I think about that breakup.
How do you move forward when a relationship doesn’t? How can you live with peace and purpose when a relationship ends?
Here’s the bad news: It’s not one-size-fits-all.
Here’s the good news: It’s not one-size-fits-all.
God is intimate and caring, and He wants to tease out the qualities that make us more like His Son. He knows just how much pressure to apply to grow us without crushing us.
Whether a friendship dies, a romantic relationship ends, or a rift divides your family, different breakups cause unique kinds of pain. Estrangement from a family member isn’t the same as a boyfriend breakup. (With the latter, if sex was in the mix, there’s a doubly unique pain because shame points its finger at you while you’re reeling from loss.) With any breakup, honesty before the Lord and a dependence on Him to heal you will help you yield to His better work in your life rather than pitting you against it.
Here are five questions to explore while you’re moving forward—questions whose answers may help you capture a vision that life can be whole, and even happy, again.
Question 1: Was there an unhealthy dynamic that God wants to replace with freedom?
(check out Kayla’s blog on stopping the cycle of breaking your own heart)
Sometimes we have blind spots to unhealthy dynamics or dependencies in our relationships. We don’t always see relationship red flags in real time. So how can we spot them? If an unhealthy dynamic has been present in your relationship, your self-talk may have sounded like this:
Excuses: “They only act this way because they’re hurting,” or “They don’t mean it.”
Tradeoffs: “I’ll have sex to show my boyfriend I love him,” or “I’ll totally rearrange our vacation plans to keep the peace with my mom.”
Shifting or poor boundaries: “This doesn’t feel right, but what they want is more important” or “I’ll text back right now because they get upset if I don’t reply immediately.”
Your insecurities flaring: “Why didn’t they comment on my Instagram post? They must be mad at me,” or “They post a lot of photos with other friends. I guess I’m not that important.”
One more dynamic here is worth mention, and it’s kryptonite for any relationship: control. Controlling behavior will weaken you until you’re isolated, broken down, or performing in a certain way to be accepted. (Gut check: are you the one being controlling? Do you use emotion, finger-pointing, score-keeping, or manipulation to get the outcome you want? If yes, being honest before God and a counselor can help set you up for healthier relationships.) Galatians 5:1 reminds us that Christ has truly set us free, and that those who are bound to a law of performance aren’t operating from God’s grace.
Question 2: Did the relationship need to end?
Some relationships just need to end. It’s time and you know it. The friend you thought was a bestie betrayed a deep confidence. The clingy boyfriend who lashes out in jealousy isn’t good for you. The family member you’ve tried to be in relationship with is manipulative and damaging.
Honestly and prayerfully grappling with the question: Was it time for the relationship to change or end?—and listing out the factual evidence you find—may help you move forward with confidence. This can be especially true if you’re the one who did the breaking up.
How can you know? Take a trip through I Corinthians 13 verses 4-7. That’s how God loves you. Other people can never love you fully in this way, but if they aren’t aiming for it, or worse, if they’re directly contradicting it, it’s not a godly relationship.
Question 3: Am I overly angry about this breakup?
The tricky thing about anger is it’s usually a different emotion in disguise. It’s a clue that we’re actually feeling something much harder, such as grief, fear, or shame.
It might look like this: If you’re angry about being cheated on, maybe you’re really afraid that your best wasn’t good enough. If you’re mad that your best friend replaced you with another bestie, maybe what you’re really feeling is grief over the loss of someone you poured your heart into. If your spouse divorced you, maybe you’re feeling fear about the future, grief that it’s over, and possibly even shame over your own failures in the marriage.
If you can identify those deeper, harder emotions, then you can take that before the Lord (and a counselor) to really begin to heal.
Question 4: Do you trust God’s plan for you?
Breakups don’t feel good. But God can redeem them into something good. Still, when a breakup is fresh, you won’t have a vision for this possibility yet. In faith, this is a good time to come dependently before the Lord, and like a little child, tell Him that you trust Him. Even if your bottom lip is trembling.
If there’s one thing we see over and over in scripture, it’s that God cares about us, and He thinks about us:
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11, NLT)
“Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you! See, I have written your name on the palm of my hands.” (Isaiah 49:15-16a, NLT)
“…not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.” (Matthew 10:29b-30, NLT)
Question 5: Can you let God’s love be enough for you?
(Read Kierstin’s blog on healing insecure attachment with God)
Sometimes a relationship just ends. It didn’t have big dysfunction or betrayal—the other person just didn’t want to be in the relationship with you as much as you wanted to be in it with them. Rejection is hard on our hearts. It hurts.
Jesus gets it. People turned their backs on Him, too. Judas betrayed Him for today’s equivalent of $260. His friends fell asleep when He needed them. Read Mark 5 and you’ll even see that people pleaded with Him to leave. Bet they’d like a do-over on that one.
Yet in our moment of rejection, we often reject Him. Why? Sometimes we’ve messed up and we feel unworthy of His love. Sometimes we’re mad at Him because we feel like He didn’t work things out for us. And sometimes we’re simply at the peak of feeling unlovable because we’re alone. It’s exactly in that place—when our hearts are broken—that He wants to pour His love into every wounded place. The Psalmist said, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” (Psalm 34:18, NLT).
Think about that. The hardest moment to let Him love you (when you’re feeling rejected) is precisely the moment He loves you fiercely, with a rescue-ready posture! His love, if you let it, will seep into every wounded place. Can you let His love be enough for you? If you can have the courage to believe the truth that you are totally forgiven (Romans 8:39), totally safe (Psalm 5:11-12), never abandoned (Psalm 68:6), and fiercely loved (Isaiah 43:1-4), God can begin to do a beautiful, restoring work.
Friend, none of this is easy. Like my sister-in-law reminded me, hearts of flesh hurt.
But if you’re willing to ask yourself some questions, you may just get to the God-sized answers that can heal your heart, give you hope, and give you the courage to love again.
Laurie Davies- ARISE Marketing Strategist and Content Creator
About Laurie
As a writer, speaker, lay counselor, and the newest member of the Arise staff, Laurie has a passion for helping women step into the beauty of their calling. She is a regular contributor to Guideposts and also works as lead editor on Shaunti Feldhahn’s ministry staff. She lives in Mesa with her husband Greg and son Morgan, who is the best story she’s ever written. Connect with her on Instagram or her website.