A Buzzing Brain

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I can feel my thoughts buzzing through my arms-

I didn’t know a beehive lived beneath my skin.

I wish you’d notice, that anyone would notice,

Just how foreign it feels to feel thoughts in my body.

But my expression is manipulation, isn’t it?

Yes, it is. I’m manipulative. I can’t trust my brain.

Stupid brain, stupid brain. 
I can’t tell you how much this hurts- 

Because telling you means asking for comfort,

And that’s too much to ask.

No one seems to know how to comfort me.

Stupid brain, stupid brain, 

Always driving everyone away.

When will you stop being too much for the people you love?

Stupid brain, stupid brain,

Keep quiet- you’re feeling too loud.

Sound familiar?

As a gal with an anxiety disorder, I often wish for a quick-fix for my panic. All-consuming worry feels suffocating- and all I want to do at that point is breathe. But as a Christian, there is something valuable I’ve learned while dealing with an overly busy brain…

Filling my mind with truth is a matter of life and death!

o help me manage my anxiety, I’m learning that I have to stay grounded in the truth. There are a few different truths that I need to stay firmly planted in for the sake of healing:

1. The truth of God’s Word

Oftentimes, my mind isn’t quite caught up with the truths that my soul already knows. Delving into scripture helps me to escape the mental mess that I often get lost in. God’s Word reminds me of who He is, who I am, and where my hope rests. 

2. The truth of my past experiences

Triggers are real. Sometimes, there are intangible truths about my past that I try to run away from- feelings and experiences that my anxiety tries to prevent from happening again. I have to face the truth of my past in order to better understand some of my anxieties. Lord, search my heart and show me where my worries come from! 

3. The truth of my current circumstances

Maybe there’s something changing, or there’s something new around the corner. In any case, recognizing the truth of my current circumstances allows me to connect with the root of my anxiety a little bit more.

3. The truth of my physical state

My counselor tells me that anxiety CAN’T exist in a calm body. Although I believe her 100%, I find this truth to be the hardest for me to accept. Oftentimes, I get so caught up in the emotional side of my anxiety that I forget physical issues can make my body prone to anxiety. Accepting the truth of my physical state helps me to have grace for myself when I’m not feeling my best. It also informs me about practical things I can do to help keep my worries at bay.

The truth is a healing balm to my worrysome heart. Unfortunately, the process of healing from anxiety is a slow an gruesome one. 

I hope that this little poem helps you feel seen while you’re working through your deepest fears and your scariest thoughts. He is with you through ALL of it! 

Balm

Healing looks like a raw nose and swollen eyes

It lets clear snot drip onto your shirt in slimy puddles

So that it stains your collar alongside mascara-tinted blobs of wiped tears 

Healing feels like a headache you get from eye strain

Because you’ve spent so many secret hours

Digging, searching, asking, wondering

And all of your investigation requires pricey blue light devices

Maybe your laptop will help you figure out 

Whether you know how to name your perpetrator

It’s hard to trust your own intuition these days 

When you’ve been conditioned to believe that you’re the liar

Healing takes place at 1am as your silent, shrieking sobs 

Are muffled by the running water of a late night shower

Because compliments feel icky 

And you need to wash off love each time you can’t tell if it’s real

But as ugly as healing is, let it be slow.

Don’t be quick to remove the cast or rip off the bandage 

Because you won’t be strong enough to ward off the further damage done

If your afflictions feel like sandpaper on skin

Let truth be the salve that acts as a barrier of protection

When your own body isn’t strong enough to withstand new irritants

When your skin is too weak and too torn to act like skin anymore

Let truth be the balm that soothes old wounds and protects you from new ones

Let balm be slow to help you heal 

The slowness is so worthwhile

- Jazmin Garven, ARISE Worship Lead

About Jazmin

Jazmin is a musician and worship leader in the Valley. She recently graduated from Arizona Christian University with a degree in vocal performance. In her free time, she enjoys writing songs, hanging out with people she loves, and finding amazing deals at thrift stores.