In this life we will experience some very painful moments.

“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself RESTORE you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

1 Peter 5:10

Pain will come in all different shapes and sizes. It has no boundaries, and it can quickly take over our lives if we allow it. Have you often thought, am I the only one experiencing this level of pain or grief? Does it begin to take you captive, suffocating your every breath?

Take heart my dear friend! Even as we sit in pit of the pain, we are restored by Him!

In January of 2019 I experienced the most painful day of my life. I was 38, married for 18 years with two wonderful kids and we had just gained the most darling daughter-in-law. Our dreams were playing out in front of us when everything came to a halt. My dear husband suffered from a rare auto immune that slowly took over our lives and we began the journey through multiple diagnosis, constant hospital visits, surgeries, side effects, illnesses, infusions, medications, and the worst for him – chronic severe bone pain. It came to a point where medical retirement/disability was the best option for our family although this took away his passion and trade he loved so dearly. We stayed hopeful that one day he would return to his career. The next 7 years we endured long-suffering (prayerfully tolerant), or the dictionary definition is having or showing patience in spite of troubles.  There was nothing I wanted more as a wife then to take his pain away. There was nothing I wanted more than to give him relief – even just for a moment. Then the unimaginable/unbearable happened. On January 7 of 2019 it all became too much to bear, and my dearest husband took his life unexpectedly. I cannot begin to tell you what this felt like but simply breathing now felt impossible.

As I look back through my journal entries, I wanted to share some of my most intimate thoughts:

·        Jan 10 – It feels as though a limb has been amputated. I have never experienced so much pain

·        Feb 16 – In the midst of this pain You remain present

·        Feb 21 – Lord, help me put on your armor of light so the darkness cannot come in

·        Feb 24 – Lord, thank you for another day but please give me the strength for tomorrow

·        Feb 25 – I am lost. My responsibilities of caring for him have been ripped away

·        Feb 26 – Lord, give me wisdom that can only come from you

·        Mar 8 – Lord, protect my children. Their grief is unbearable as a mother. My heart aches for them.

·        May 18 – The enemy did not win this battle. Although he is crafty, he is the fool because my sweet man is sitting at the throne of Jesus who welcomed him with open arms. I can rest in His promises. I can rest in Him alone. I will praise your name. Lord, increase my awareness of your presence. Help me use this to see and love others the way you have loved me. Protect my heart from anger and bitterness.

“Peace is not the absence of trouble. It is the presence of Christ in the midst of that trouble.” 

“Peace, I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

John 14:27

When I think about this verse and how Jesus spoke this just moments before he was beaten and crucified, I’m completely overwhelmed by his unconditional love in the middle of His pain. In this moment (a moment where I’d be filled with fear and anxiety beyond imagine) I’m not sure I would be thinking about how others would feel, but this is exactly what Jesus did. He was more concerned about their own healing – about their restoration because of the cross. This kind of peace allows us to gaze at Jesus and glance at the problem in front of us. He came here purely as a free gift. While we are on this side of heaven He offers full restoration in the middle of the mess – by the sacrifice of Himself. Today the world wants us to find the best version of ourselves, but it’s our circumstances that can create fog around what He wants for us (His best). He wants us to find ourselves in His image. (Romans 8:28)

Lysa Terkeurst quoted “Sometimes to get your life back you have to face the death of what you thought your life would look like.”

Today you may need healing from the plan that had a different ending causing the pain and grief in your life right now – possibly paralyzing you from His will for your next chapter. It was helpful to me to answer these questions, grieve my answers and hand it over to the Lord for Him to keep - safely. I was holding so tightly to my plan, but it was never mine to begin with.

1. What plans or thoughts have you had about how your life should turn out?

2. How do you handle not being able to control the outcome?

3. In what ways do you feel you’re attached to the outcome more than trusting God in the process?

 As we face the pain in front of us right now, my friend, I pray for complete restoration and healing that can come through Him and Him alone. No matter how shattered our circumstances seem God can still make something new – right now on this side of eternity! Your hurt will not be wasted. Without pain we may never know the touch our Maker wants to make out of our dust. He will never forsake us, and He will go to great lengths to renew us!

“In their heart’s humans plan the course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9

- Tiffany Dinbokowitz