Who is your favorite person to talk with?

When I consider my favorite people to talk with, I think of those who are honest, deep, and those who listen well.

It’s easy to detect when someone is not a good listener. Quick responses, answers that cut off what you were saying, or even just distractions that make you feel like you’re taking up valuable time—all of these things point to sub-par listening.

I have to admit, I’m a work-in-progress when it comes to listening. I’m getting better! I’m lessening the number of times I tell my husband, “I’m sorry, were you finished with your thought?” as I’ve blazed ahead into my conversation.

I want to pursue a posture of listening well. Maybe you do too!

We can tell from Scripture that God cares a lot about listening. Basically, read any Proverb and you’ll likely find powerful listening instructions for wise living. Here is one example:

“The one who gives an answer before he listens—
this is foolishness and disgrace for him.”
Proverbs 18:13

Quick side-note: The words “foolishness and disgrace” stuck out to me as I read this. I love the reasoning for God’s instructions in Scripture. It’s not His character to give us frivolous rules for His own amusement. He doesn’t create hoops for us to jump through. He created us and knows how we operate best. He knows that when we develop the skill of listening we will be on a path of wisdom and grace. So, I hope when you read verses like Proverbs 18:13, you’re filled with gratitude for our God who cares about something as specific as your listening patterns. It is for your good!

So, here’s the question I’ve been thinking about: What prevents us from listening well?

If we identify the causes, we’ll be better able to stay in that lane of wisdom and grace we read about in Proverbs. Here are three causes I’ve experienced that prevent me from listening well.

Insecurity

Have you ever been in a conversation, and something is said that you wholeheartedly disagree with? That defensive feeling starts to almost physically build up, and you get a little more tense. I wonder what would happen if we were able to release that feeling altogether. What if we didn’t have to block every incoming disagreement with a response? What if we released our control to Christ?

When we are insecure, any disrupting thought or idea poses a threat that could knock us down. But when we are secure, there is no need to feel threatened. Listening, without feeling the need to defend every disagreement the moment it surfaces, is a sign of your security in Christ. Additionally, it allows your grace and peace to stand out all the more.

Our Schedules

The pace of life these days is crazy! Ain’t no time for nothin’! I recognize this every time I get flustered in my car when the driver in front of me reacts one millisecond too slowly to a green light. We have created schedules that have no space for interruptions—including lending a listening ear.

Oh, how drastically different Jesus’ pace in life was…

Packed schedules lead to poor listening. I find myself praying for God to bring me opportunities to witness, to befriend someone who is lost, or to be used for Kingdom impact, and yet…my margin does not reflect that in the slightest. Make space for listening. Slow down. And we might just find that the “interruptions” in our days are the most divine highlights!

Agendas

If you’ve experienced this on the receiving end, you know how quickly you discover when someone has an agenda versus a conversation. When we come first with our agendas, our opinions to get across, we’re more than likely entering an interaction with selfish motives.

We need to first consider the other person (Philippians 2) and then be slow to speak (James 1). A simple prayer for God to reveal your motives is super helpful in these scenarios. There is a time and place for hard truth and accountability, yes! But when we side-step the Holy Spirit to allow our agenda its reign, we’re in some dangerous waters.

Let’s Be Slow to Speak and Quick to Listen

All this to say, listening is an art worth pursuing. We can each improve. I encourage you to meditate on James 1:19-22 as you consider where God might be asking you to grow in this area.

“My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger, for human anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness. Therefore, ridding yourselves of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent, humbly receive the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. But be doers of the word and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.”

James 1:19-22

— Emily Heaton